Three months ago, I had my palm read by a soothsayer named Dodong Palad who has a stall in Roxas Night Market. He told me that I have an amazing career ahead of me but I won’t have the same luck in love. My initial reaction was “Sure, I’d rather have a thriving career. I don’t need a man in my life”. One month later, I fell in love with a man who is a thousand miles away from me. Great. Thanks life!
33 years and three failed relationships, I managed to build a wall around me so high that men who were interested in me gave up climbing for my standards- that or I stop them before they even try. This man, though, made it through smoothly.
I am not the type who can take long phone calls. I have the shortest attention span and phone calls bore me to death; when he came in my life, I got used to being on the phone 5-6 hours a day with no particular topic. The things that I find cheesy before didn’t seem to be that cheesy now- like him calling me cake and me calling him donut (I see eyes rolling there, there is a beautiful reason for that endearment, I swear! Lol.), or sleeping together with the phone on because we both made our breathing (or snoring lol) as our lullaby, or him asking me to stay on the line without dropping the call while I work, out with my girls, or in a gig.
He doesn’t mind not understanding my mother tongue (Bisaya). He’d tell me that as long as he can hear my voice, know that I am safe- he’s okay. Forget the standards, I love him, he loves me and that’s all that matters.. until a couple of days ago.
I didn’t hear anything from him for 17 hours. He was not online and both of his network numbers were unreachable. Imagine talking to a person for almost two months every day for 5-6 hours and that happens- I almost lost my sanity. Albeit bothered, I went ahead with my day. My busy schedule helped me get through the night but when I got home at 2am, I broke down and cried for hours until morning. I wasn’t able to sleep. I missed him and I got so worried sick. Not knowing whether he’s fine or not, drove me crazy. I was worried, mad, jealous and worse- I was overthinking. What if he just stopped loving me? What if he found someone who is better than me and dropped me just like that? What if he’s on someone else’s bed? What if?
He finally called the next morning telling me that he dropped his phone somewhere and just got it back from the one who found it. He sounded apologetic and very worried. I cried, he cried. I accepted his explanation because I hate dramas and fight- but there was a part of me that made me want to build my walls again to protect myself from further pain. The torment I went through the previous night was so intense that it made me think if the relationship was worth the risk. This is my first LDR and I have no clue yet on how to handle this kind of situations. I tried my best not to bring my baggage from previous relationships into this but I couldn’t help but think of the worst. He couldn’t help but notice that something has changed and I assured him that we’re fine. The problem was me.
Last night, I couldn’t sleep. I just lost a friend who was my son’s godfather and I am still contemplating with my heart. I prayed to God to give me peace, to calm my doubtful mind. I asked that if this is worth it, can He please give me a sign. I was trying to sleep around 4:30AM but eventually gave up because I was starting to get a headache. I opened my Facebook to tire my eyes out and the first thing I saw was my Aunt’s post about LDR. Let me share it with you. (Permission granted, thank you Ate Darling.)
I had goosebumps all over and I cried. I cried a lot. What was more comforting was while reading, I received a good morning text from my love. I don’t know about you, but I believe in signs. It was as if, God just touched my heart and told me that everything’s going to be okay. That was just a minor problem and I shouldn’t dwell on it. I immediately made my resolve. I decided that I will love this man as much as I can and will give the relationship my full trust or nothing at all. I will not focus on my fears because of the bullshits of the past and give this man (and myself) this fair chance of getting a relationship that we both are willing to work on. I am ready to be happy as well as to get hurt. This man has been truly passionate and invested in this relationship since day one and one single (not even) mistake can’t make me give up on him.
Sharing this pieces of advice that I got from my best friends to cap this blog. Too beautiful not to share.
Yup, I have awesome friends. 🙂